会いたい？

I never use English with the nailist. But sometimes I do in messages.

Me: Nailist... I miss you...

Nailist: Me too.

Nailist: I like it, mango and lemon- *Bday present I gave

Me: Cool. ところで、日曜日に会わない？
Won't you meet me on Sunday?

Nailist: 会いたい？
Do you want to meet me?

I put my feelings out there and now you just want more. This was why I dumped you last time. This game of 'me chase and reassure you' does not strike me as fun. I'd rather not play. It's not just this, it's everything I say to you. I wonder how you would react if every time you said something nice to me I responded with, "Really? I don't believe you. Really? You aren't lying? Do you really mean it?"
The way you do it to me. What kind of impression would I leave? I understand, verbal reassurance is required, but other girls don't do it on every word I say. Maybe you just hit a nerve on a bad day. I should just go to bed. I won't respond to your message though.

Too much sex?

No such thing!

But damn I got near close the other day. I had to spend all of the following day lying around like a vegetable, reading comics, watching anime and a crap vampire movie (interview with a vampire sux BTW). I had a plan to meet up with an 18 year old hostess I met the other week, but I just couldn't be bothered moving. Waste of a day off really.

Note* girls who don't want a guy to cheat should consider fucking him so much he has no energy to fuck anyone else.

It was the nailist's birthday so I took her to a lunch/onsen combo where we ended up as the only patrons in a hot public bath with a low dividing wall that separates the men from the women. It was also open air, so we enjoyed the view outside, started making out over the wall until I stood up and she took me in her hands. Things were getting fun until we heard someone enter. We left, keen to finish the what we had started.

We ended up in a toy museum's disabled toilet fucking hard. HA! So unromantic.

The funny thing was that after we got out we both had that, 'We just fucked' look about us; messy hair, sweat and blatant horny smiles. The day continued on thus path with a huge marathon at my place and me getting to the point where I was actually happy that she left so I could get some rest. Rare.

woo...spooky...

I woke up this morning with the idea in my head that vampires are cool. I was still half asleep and I was thinking about the movie, 'Interview with a vampire' and how I have never seen it but maybe I should. Vampires wear cool shit like vests and such. Then I began to wonder what it would be like to be a vampire. Would I have special powers? Could I fly? I'd definitely be able to stay young and good looking forever though. That's a good point. The bad thing would be eating humans. I saw enough dead bodies when I was studying in university and it never made me hungry. I was thinking about the person who made up the whole 'Dracula' idea. Was he just trying to scare people by grossing them out?

Why the hell was I thinking about vampires?

Then I properly woke up and forgot completely about the vampire thing since nothing in my life leads me to especially have any interest in Vampires. I've heard about some movie that is hot recently but I haven't really hunted it down to check it out since I don't care about Vampires whatsoever. Like, seriously, what do I care about vampires? And why was I dreaming about being one?

Then, I was talking with the massage therapist and she told me she was visited by a かなしばり, it's a kind of Japanese ghost that visits you when you are sleeping. You wake up but you can't move. Total body paralysis. She doesn't really believe the ghost part of it, and neither do I, we both kind of think it's just semi awake, semi sleeping state.

Anyway, after that, she fell back asleep and had a dream where I appeared in it as, you'll never guess this, AS A FREAKING VAMPIRE!!

WUT?!

She said I came up to her in her dream and attacked her. She was so scared she woke up.

Spooky...

Birthdays!

Two girlfriends and they both have birthdays within one week of each other. What are the chances?
Some people like drama, I prefer romance, so I shelled out a ton of coin last weekend on the massage therapist. We did some outdoor activities during the day that were hampered by the shit weather. She dressed down for it and looked hot nonetheless. We were in the forest and I couldn't stop thinking that we should be fucking in the wilderness- but things turned weird between us. She ended up giving me more relationship talk.

"You don't love me so we can't have sex anymore."
Sex is not a bargaining chip to be used to get a guy to lie about loving you. Isn't that just weird?

"I understand how you feel, but I just don't have those feelings, not yet at least. Will they come? I don't know. Anyhow, if what we have now is making you feel bad, we should stop."

How would she feel if I started waving sex over her nose saying, "I'm not going to give you sex because you don't love me."?
She would probably think I was a loser. What am I supposed to think of her?

In actuality, I think she is an incredibly amazing and awesome person who is ridiculously hot and generous, but I have a guilty conscious and I'm trying to cut down on GFs so walking away suits me right now. Lying about love on top of lying about not having other GFs is too much. I want to reduce lying as much as possible.

She was pissed off with my answer but I had dinner planned (Swiss fondue) and we spent some time chilling until she got over it. Later at dinner she was dressed up looking elegantly smoking hot and she mentioned that she regretted bringing up the relationship talk because she just wants to continue as it was. I don't think I can handle the secrecy anymore. Later that night we ended up having sex, pretty boring sex, but sex. Will that be the last time I wonder...

I had some awesome sex with the nailist tonight. She's not afraid to work up a sweat getting down. Cool. There is something about talking to her that just grips me. She is so natural and unpretentious. I love it. Her birthday is this weekend. I'm expecting a fun filled day that might involve hiking and a dinner cruise on the water, weather permitting. If not, onsen baby.

I'm gonna be a broke ass next month.

Bad day

Woke up in the early hours of the morning with the sudden feeling that someone was going to attack me. Got out of bed and really suddenly locked the front door and and windows. I have never done this before ever. I usually sleep solid as a rock. Went back to bed and saw my phone flashing. There was a somewhat angry message sent to me by the bi-hostess sent maybe 10 minutes earlier.

Went to work and Captain douchebag anti-sex wants to kill me still. He's not a happy guy right now, at least not with me.

Finished work and was walking through town on my way home and I saw my ex-GF yakuza girl on the street with her friends. The girl who I have been thinking about almost every day for the last 3 years.

This was the first time I have seen her since we broke up all that time ago in the cafe. The time where she said that she can't marry a foreign guy and her dad wants her to get married now so she has to break up and look for a husband. That sucked. Really bad.

Tonight I saw her and just stopped walking and looked at her like it was a ghost. I was in disbelief. I didn't expect to see her again, ever. She saw me and freaked out and stepped back away from my direction quickly. I saw her eyes start to go red and fill with tears and I felt the blood in my head drain and I couldn't really think or react. She waved at me and mustered up a smile. I waved back, just barely, and hesitated on whether to approach and talk or...what? Her friends started picking up on what was going on and began to look around at me. She walked on.

I turned away and felt my face flush with heat while a strange burning feeling crept into my eyes. I didn't look back. I felt dizzy. Thought I was going to fall over or something.

How much I just wanted to walk up to her and just....

Say how I feel...

No reply?

These days I think about the nail artist most. I cooked her a delicious Italian style meal at my place last week. Cooking for myself and for my friends and my girlfriends is something I'm starting to really enjoy as I get more confident with my cooking skills.

I remember her saying only a month or two ago that during sex women cum only once and that is it. She is so different now. I counted her cumming five times in our first session that night and twice again after dinner. Good food, great sex, fun conversation- Fantastic.

Talking with her is so cool and even though sometimes when I'm tired she starts speaking fast and I have no idea what she is saying, I can just enjoy watching her speak cause she is so happy to talk to me about stuff. When I'm talking to her I don't feel like I have to hold the conversation up which is such a relief. And the fact that she brings up topics that are interesting is great.

I messaged her today telling her about a new kitchen product I bought and offered her a chance to "make a reservation" and "dine at my restaurant" (my apartment), but she hasn't replied. Usually she replies quickly so I can't help but think that she found out about me from her seemingly increasing spy network. I guess these are the joys of having a vivid appearance and a guilty conscience. It's probably just paranoia and she will reply tomorrow.

The girl I talked about here told me today in a message that even though she never wanted any commitment from me, she decided that she doesn't want to be a sex friend either. She didn't like the idea that I seem to be popular amongst women and sleep with them. I replied telling her that we could just be normal friends... No reply and I don't really expect one.

I can almost remember a time long ago when my ego was fragile and being rejected and ignored like this from people I cared about would have hurt.

The Fulfillment of the Hedonist Life

"Well you seem to have the hedonist life down pat. From those who do not have that kind of life: is it fulfilling and wonderful to have all these beautiful women fall in love with you? It seems like you have the dream life. Women on your nutsack, living in Japan and eating good food, having great times drinking beer with your friends...this is what most people live for, right?"

This was a question/comment from a reader going by the name 'oldsoul'.

Where to start.....?

Hedonism is not happiness, just short term fun. People know this so I don't think that my lifestyle is what the general population live for at all. They would prefer to stand at a distance and judge others in order to justify to themselves that the way they are living is best and by not taking any action whatsoever, they can be happy with what they ended up with as opposed to taking decisive action (which may result in failure many times over) to get what they truly want.

Being passive and getting what comes my way brings me no fulfillment. My understanding of fulfillment is creating goals, striving through challenges, failing a lot and getting there in the end. My sexual goals aren't specified as 'make women fall in love with me' or get them 'on my nutsack' it's more along the lines of 'Understand sex deeply'. I think it's a goal that all men should have or at least should want to have.

Having beautiful women fall in love with me is not so fulfilling and wonderful unless I feel the same about them. If I don't feel the same it's mostly just draining. Full of obligation, demands and unfulfillable expectations. Perhaps when I was younger I would have thought it would be cool, but now I'm just jaded and know that when the going gets tough, most of these girls are just gonna bail.

Having 'women on my nutsack' does little for any deep fulfillment. If I looked at having women as a way to fulfill some sort of ego trip it should have been satisfied by now, right?
Unless I need constant reassurance to feel worthwhile..... do I need that? Can't I just be happy?

Being in Japan and eating good food is great! I do love the food and beer here. These days I don't eat much in the way of carbs so I have to cook a lot myself and this is where I have the most fun creating delicious and creative dishes that are full of flavor and nutrition. Japanese people freak out and can't imagine life without rice, but that's their culture, not mine.

I live my life dancing to the beat of my own drum and the rhythm is a smooth 70's funk- the kind you hear in old school porn baby. That's why my life is great- I do things in my own unique way and I wear a smile while I do it.