I'm sick of being a motherfucker

My GF is a young single mother. I fuck her. That makes me a motherfucker.

I can't really hide from this fact anymore. I try to hide from it because I know that when I realize it completely, the realness might freak me out. I think of myself as still young. I think I'm too irresponsible and carefree to be actually doing something like having sex with someone's mother. I don't want to face it. I'm not yet ready.

I look at my GF and I see youth, beauty and happiness. If I see her pushing a baby around, will my views of her change?

I don't think this is really the issue anyway.

We had serious talks. She brought the topics up. Topics about why I haven't met her baby yet. About why I declined the offer to go to her family's house for her sister's birthday. About why it is that if she meets a girlfriend of one of my friends and has coffee with them she will inevitably take her child with her and those new friends will meet the baby. But I never do.

I like hanging with her friends and she likes hanging with mine, I especially like the way she can just float around and talk to other people without me having to babysit her because 'she doesn't know anyone'. It's just, when and if I get to hanging out with her family, I'm going to see myself in a situation that I really don't want to be in. A situation called; creating ties with people who I'm going to have to break ties with eventually, causing more pain. On top of that, I don't need her family creating expectations of how I should behave or act judging me around it. Because I know they will....."If he TRULY loved you he would....xyz."

If I truly did love her I would rearrange my life to revolve around her situation. It feels I've done enough thus far.

I often think about how awesome it would be to spend my Saturday night with her and I drinking and hanging out with friends, going home and having awesome sex, sleeping in each others arms, waking up to more sex, going out and doing something fun, then have more sex. Wouldn't that be great? Isn't that what most couples do? I can't do that because she has to be a mother of her child. She can't stay over...

So if sleep overs can't happen, lets just meet during the daytime. We meet in the afternoon, have lunch and then fuck until the evening when you have to go home. Its fine.

But we only eat and have sex. It lasts never long enough. Its always saying goodbye after a short amount of time and these days you seem to be getting more and more jealous of invisible people, making accusations. It only drives me to want to do these things so I can justify the claims. If I'm not fucking other girls I may as well be since you think I am anyway. Damn! Give the topic a break and let us just enjoy our time together.

Our situation is fine, fine for a sex friends relationship, but if I'm to be exclusive and deal with your baggage, I need more time doing fun stuff with you and more time meeting up during the week. We can do fun stuff, but since you need to take care of your kid we have to take him along. I don't doubt he is a wonderful and cute child, I always like listening to the stories you tell me about him and as strange as it seems, as I get older I begin to like kids more and more for the bright energy they have. Its just, if we take him along, how can we have intimate time alone? We can't. And if we can't have that, I'm just a guy hanging around being your friend while you accuse me of fucking around.

Back when I predicted this situation would occur I tried to cut it off. You changed your tactic and decided that we would keep things light and casual. No pressure, just hang out and have fun. No expectations on the things I should be doing or saying. "Lets just take it slow and easy." But that always has its limits. Things should progress forward. If there is to be a future. If I truly am serious. If I do really care.

I do care. I do. As insensitive and carefree as I may seem, I still care so much....

But not enough to pick up the slack that your ex- husband left behind.

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to deal with your disappointment in me for not fulfilling the role that you dreamed I would. I told you this from the start. I broke up with you because I knew that if we didn't do it back then it would end up like this.

Here we are, here it is. Me saying the things I have been trying to say but couldn't through denial, emotion and lack of language ability. Everything I couldn't say- to a blog.

From here I just do the Japanese break up move and break up with you in my heart and say nothing. Just ignore and don't call. Then when you get the picture I ask to meet you for lunch and ask if you can bring that CD I lent you. Then I explain my point of view, and you cry. In a cafe. People watch. People watch and comment. You blame me and call me an asshole. You say that I tricked you. We went through this before.

I don't want to do this, not again.

But it has to happen.

If we had just met earlier in our lives...