I'm kinda trying to go for a bit of a theme on this blog. Giving Americans practical living advice is not really part of that theme, but I'll give it a shot.
Step 1. American food culture is whack. You guys seem to be eating average tasting food that is loaded with calories and little nutritional value. Plus the average portion size is too big. Realize that by living there surrounded by obese people is going to influence you. If you aren't already, you will probably end up, obese, diabetic and gross looking with a high risk of heart disease. If you get married, *it's a fact you're going to have fat kids and die well before your wife and she is going to use all your savings and hard work plus the built up life insurance from over the years to live a lackadaisical life hassling your kids to hang out with her. Bail out while you can.
*Facts based upon author's wild imagination.
Step 2. Sell all your shit. If you can't sell it, give it away. If you can't give it away, throw it away. All you really need is your wits and an ipod loaded with your favorite beats- they will keep you company on the long lonely nights away from western civilization. If you are a big dude you might wanna bring some clothes. If you aren't, get new clothes here.
Step 3. Buy a one way ticket. You might find that Japan is not your thing and want to go home. By all means you should, just don't do it directly. Stop off at some other countries in Asia. See how the rest of the world lives. It will build your character and make you worldly. Then when you do go back to fatsville you can jump into conversations with strangers at the bar by saying, "That reminds me of the time I was in Cambodia. Well, you see, I had missed the local camel back to the camp and I only had two live chickens with me to last until the dawn." Watch their eyes glaze over because most people don't care about life outside their own country. That's when family comes in handy.
Step 4. You will need to get accustomed to life in Japan- find a local girl to help you with this. According to another American reader of my blog who made comments, this is easy. He didn't outline any specifics, but I recommend going to an international party. There you will find many girls who have done home stays in foreign countries and want to maintain their English skills without having to pay for classes. The chances of them being hot is VERY low, but most guys will be stoked that skinny girls are talking to them without being bitchy so it doesn't matter. Just be nice and they will swoon. Then when she shows you around town and your natural reaction is to complain about how things are different to back home, don't do this! When I was a high school student I worked at a supermarket and a fat American women complained about my country's currency and wanted me to agree with her, "It's strange money, isn't it. Don't you think it's strange?" To my simple teenage brain, money was money, and Americans were fat, ignorant and egotistical, walking through life just waiting to judge everyone and everything, acting too serious while solving crime cases using forensic technology and either getting lost or trying to survive on islands without getting eliminated by the tribe.
It wasn't until I came to Japan that I realized that there are some cool ones out there. Hopefully you will be cool and recognize that strange equals different and different equals variety. Variety is the spice of life. If you need to complain, do it with other foreign people or use a blog to vent. Try to do it in a fun, creative way so that others can laugh at your misery. Bottom line is that no one likes their culture insulted by people who aren't of that culture. See? I just did it you. ^o^
Step 5. If someone insults your culture, don't bite back. Just laugh it off and be cool. They will like you when they realize that they are being insulting bitches and you are cool.
Step 6. When eating ramen, slurp the noodles and make a loud noise. This will help you fit in.
Step 7. When ordering draft beer, expect that the head is going to be deep and foamy. You should shout, "KAMPAI!" and clink glasses with people around you to make friends. After this you should take a large manly gulp and carelessly wipe the excess beer foam from your mouth with the back of your hand and exhale out a sigh of relief for finishing another hard day of work. Don't be selective in who you talk to. Just talk to anyone. You will find that most people will be shocked at talking to a stranger, let alone a foreign one, but it will make their day if you give them a smile.
Step 8. If you get into shit, don't make a fuss and try to argue your way out of it. You are only digging yourself deeper and the language barrier will work against you. "We understand that there is problem and you are involved. So. You are responsible. Why you don't apologize? huh? You don't do nothing wrong? I don't understand. We police are here. You must have done something wrong."
Accept responsibility and say sorry, even if you think you did nothing wrong. You don't want to end up in court, there is like a 99% conviction rate. They don't have juries here. The Japanese way is to give a fake apology. Then you can blame your lack of understanding the culture and they will usually be satisfied with that and let you off. After things have cooled off they might even be really friendly and try to bust out some English on you. One of my girlfriend's childhood friends is a cop and he is a funny mofo. He was talking to me about going to China to fuck hookers and invited me to go with him, in front of my GF. Hilarious.
I think that's about all you need to survive and thrive.
hahahaha.... loved this post.
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