Denied

The girl I really liked from work who also really liked me decided that she didn't like me anymore. In Japan, when a youngish good looking girl really likes a guy, she gets really shy and tries to stay away from him. To be successful at dating this type of girl one must approach it like taming a rabbit; do not get too close and make no sudden movements. Try to stay in each others presence for a while, in a group is best, using alcohol to make up for the insecurity and lack of ability to make conversation because your locked up society gave you no chance to develop your own inter-personal skills.

I guess I made a sudden movement and freaked her out.

I asked her if she was free to see the movie she wanted to see with me and then she said she wanted to go drinking with me instead, only with other coworkers also. Everyone together kind of thing. I was initially a bit let down that she didn't want to just hang out with me alone, and I guess that look showed on my face for a split second or two. I said nothing but soon regathered my wits and encouraged her to come drinking. Perhaps she caught my displeased vibe and decided that I was not her type after all. There is absolutely nothing else that could have given her any other impression of me apart from good.

For a western guy It seems really strange that if I could be having a really natural friendly relationship with a person at work and then when she develops a crush on me and told me so, I decide to take her up on it but she gets shy and doesn't want to deal with the pressure of being alone with me. This would be strange, but it's not. This is Japan. One small facial expression can destroy a professional or intimate relationship. It's important to keep a poker face and not show your feelings. If you show your emotions that is seen as acting immature, weak and that is a representation of your character. Character flaws cannot be forgiven so we make no time for these people. I learned this the fun way.

When I first got here I was trying to speak Japanese as much as possible and of course I tried to speak to one of the staff at the school where I worked. She was an older married lady, very nice and friendly. One morning I said the phrase that we say in English as, "What's new?" but it's not something they say in Japanese. She looked at me like I was on drugs and told me that I was weird. I got a little taken back by the comment and the embarrassment and anger showed on my face. From the look that I gave her she from then on decided to hate me forever. Weeks passed and she never replied to me when I said hello. I continued to be polite, completely unaware of the reasons for her snubbing me. Many months later I heard on the grapevine that she was telling other people how she hated me, and how my Japanese was terrible and that I should learn properly or just give up. Other people around the office had taken similar stances with her, so I guess she had been talking. I thought that was quite a lot of hate to be harboring for a guy for seemingly no reason, but it had all come back to that one pissed off glare that I gave her that day.

For myself, the longer I am sitting around being angry, the less time I am enjoying myself. I like to get over bad feelings of resentment as soon as I possibly can so I can move forward and enjoy my life. To get over those ill feelings I think it's good to get them off my chest. That sad women that spent her time hating on me probably never had the outlet to get anything off her chest. She probably had no one to talk to or listen to her. Either that or she was just a petty bitter bitch. The differences between our cultures is that when I get pissed off I say something and deal with it then get over it rather than spectate and quietly judge and never forgive or forget. It's a cultural thing.

Coming back to my initial point of this whole thing, I went out on a limb to get a girl who had taken interest in me and had drawn my interest in her. I fucked it up by looking at her in the wrong way and now she'd rather lie about not having time to meet me. I've now fucked up the atmosphere at work and probably a chunk of my salary too. The amount of times I have been brushed off to the side by women by a snap emotional decision makes me very insensitive towards feeling bad about fucking them and being non committal while I sleep around.
If I had slept with this girl only once, I would have most likely stopped all contact with the other girls and focused all my libido on pleasing her. She is such an angel, it sux that I'm now going to have to stop talking to her.

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*The hostess wants to meet me next Monday. I haven't seen her since December where she bought me dinner got me drunk and slept with me. We are meeting for coffee. I really don't want to sleep with her again because I want to move on, but she is quite good looking and can be persuasive. Sex with her is bad though. I feel used after I sleep with her.
*I was fading off the Arty Bi lingual girl. But after today I think I want to see her again.
*Chick with a great rack wants to meet up soon.
*Done my best to forget girl in my building.
*Girls bar worker I street nampa'd last week is replying sporadically and slowly to my mails.
*Got taken out to dinner by an old guy and after played simulation golf while drinking and chatting with hot bar chicks. COOL AS! After that had my first experience at a snack bar. It sucked! It was like I was at work talking to women about nothing, except in Japanese not English. But the simulation golf and the food I ate before that kicked ass. I was a bit worried about whether or not I could be polite enough in Japanese to talk to him without offending him, but I think I got through OK and left a good impression.
*My new years resolution to drink only 6 beers a week died a quick death. This week I have gone out drinking every night, except tonight.